Today, I was in school when I got up to ask the teacher a question. For no reason, the guy sitting next to me punched me in the gut so hard I collapsed and saw stars. The teacher simply rolled her eyes and told me to get back to work. FML

Today, my daughters announced they had big news. They had a whole presentation saying they wanted our entire family to go vegan. When I told them, as gently as I could, that that was never happening, they burst into tears, screaming, "The planet is burning! Meat is killing us all!" They're 11 and 9. FML

Today, I cried while masturbating because I genuinely couldn't think of a single person that would fuck me in real life. FML

Today, I asked if my psychiatrist would test me for autism, as I believe I may have it. His response? "You probably don't. Stay off social media once in a while." Well fuck me for wanting a professional opinion I guess. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally moved in with me, after being long distance for months. Our apartment just became infested with mice. FML

Can you complete this English expression? It means “something that everyone knows”. Be …… knowledge a) common b) usual c) known d) understood The answer is below! Answer: a) common Be common knowledge! Example: “It’s common knowledge that Julie is starting her own company.” By I Talk You Talk Press – Easy English Reading

Today, my mom yelled at me because even though I shower thoroughly twice a day, I still stink. My mom showers once a week, never wears deodorant, and smells like roses. FML

Today, I was suspended from school for “being involved in a fight.” The other girl beat me up while I didn't do anything to defend myself, for fear of getting in trouble. She got off scot free. FML

Today, I learned that Guru Tugginmypudha was right, two elephants humping is the ultimate distraction, as in, when two elephants started humping during my kids' trip to the zoo, a mad crowd of idiots rushed to watch, and somewhere in the middle of it all I clearly felt a pickpocket steal my wallet. FML

Today, I unlocked the door at work and was immediately hit with the most disgusting smell I've ever encountered. Imagine the worst fart you've ever smelled, coupled with sewerage, and mold. The windows don't open. I have the door wide open and have used a whole can of Glen 20. It has done nothing. FML

Today, my wife had our first child. He's identical to her coworker. FML

Today, I managed to somehow trip and fall on my back twice within just two hours. My back didn’t hurt the first time, but it sure does now. FML

Today, I was sitting at an airport bar when my flight, which was only supposed to leave in an hour, showed up as "Final call for boarding." I ran through the airport, only to find out they hadn't started boarding yet. Fucking Ryanair. FML

Today, my girlfriend is refusing to do anything around the house for me, including cooking, cleaning, laundry, or having sex. When I saw her cooking, I asked if any was for me. She instead replied, “Have the dog do it for you.” All this after I told her honestly that yes, my dog does mean more to me than she does. FML

Can you complete this English expression? It means “to say what you think in a direct way”. ……. (one’s) mind a) say b) assert c) speak d) adhere The answer is below! Answer: c) speak Speak (one’s) mind! Example: “It’s important to speak your mind in the meeting today.” By I Talk You Talk Press … Continue reading ….. (one’s) mind

Today, I told my therapist that I read FML for relaxation and entertainment. She asked what FML is, then told me stop reading this website, as my life is bad enough, knowing other's experiences would actually increase my level of anxiety. FML

Today, I was told it was “disgusting” that we charged $1.75 for 2 donuts instead of 3 for the same price. I had to throw them out. FML

Today, my best friend’s parents told me they’re gonna take me to court and sue me for “all I got.” Turns out, he'd committed suicide after I got in a relationship with someone else. Apparently, he’s had feelings for me for a while and couldn’t handle that fact. FML

Today, I realized my best friend has turned into a penpal, as we never see each other, and only text about once a month. She was my only friend outside of family, and now I feel crushingly lonely. FML

Today, I discovered I don’t even have the dexterity to screw the cap back onto a bottle of soda without dropping it. Not only that, but mother saw the need to point it out and laugh at me, so people around us in the store stared. FML

Can you complete this English expression? It means “to drive past a red traffic light”. …… a red light a) speed b) wash c) detect d) run The answer is below! Answer: d) run run a red light! Example: “What are you doing?! You just ran a red light! You are supposed to stop!” By … Continue reading …… a red light

Today, my 21 year-old daughter sent me the longest, violent, most hateful text I've ever seen in my life. Apparently she opposes me marrying her best friend of 12 years. FML

Today, it’s Mother’s Day. My mother-in-law, who is batshit crazy, bought her daughter a pinwheel. My MIL claims she “saw it and knew it was for her.” Her daughter is 47. This might be laughable, but over the years, her daughter is slowly turning into her. I’m effed. FML

Today, it's been a few weeks since I moved into my own place, so I decided to visit my parents. I rang to ask for a good time to come over but all I got was basically, "Nope, you’re moved out now, a grown up, no longer our problem, ring us when you get some girl pregnant with our first grandbaby, bye." FML

In this video, I teach an English phrase! By Heather @ I Talk You Talk Press

Today, while I was at work as a receptionist in a hotel in Spain, an entitled woman was pissed because her reservation didn't have breakfast included. I'd offered her three times the option to add it. She declined because she had to pay for it. She was pissed that she had to pay to include the breakfast in her reservation. FML

Today, the woman who turned me down would rather date a bum who smokes weed all day and works at Panera Bread. I have 3 college degrees, a respectable career, and I’m drug free. No matter how much I point this out, she gets butthurt, and has now felt the need to block my social media. FML

Today, I discovered that at the age of 24, I would actually rather break a toe than eat a food I don’t like. FML

Today, my junkie son came to the house showered, in clean clothes, with sobriety chips from NA, full of apologies, and we had a good cry about his recovery. I went to the kitchen for tissues, for less than a minute, but when I got back he’d stolen my purse, television, and spare change jar with about £75 in it. FML

Today, all I wanted after a bad week was a takeaway. We had a few houseguests, plus my wife and kids, so the order was on the large side. When it came, the order was perfect, except mine. The only things they forgot were my starter, my main, my side order, and my dessert. Everything else was perfect. FML