Today, I found out through 23andMe that my ex-husband and father of my children is my 5th cousin. FML

Today, I was in my bed masturbating when I felt something on my chest. I looked down to see a spider running around. I'm super scared of spiders. FML

Today, my boss replaced me, with my 25 years experience, as head chef with her son, who has a GCSE in food studies from 15 years ago and hasn’t even worked a restaurant before. I’m sitting here, watching our customers send food back untouched because it’s so bad. This has ruined us. FML

Today, I went to a TV show filming, but I was sitting behind what must've been the tallest person in the world. I'll probably only get to see the show properly once it airs. FML

Today, after many hours of practice, I tried to demonstrate my magic tricks to my friends. What wasn't part of the show was accidentally setting my pants on fire and having to put it out with a glass of red wine. FML

Today, I was on a first date at high-end Indian restaurant. I tried to impress my date by ordering the spiciest dish on the menu, only to find out it was way too hot for me to handle. I ruined the entire meal by coughing, choking, and drinking five gallons of water with tears streaming down my face for at least 40 minutes. FML

Today, I was trying to be environmentally friendly by using a reusable water bottle, but didn't screw the top on properly, so while I was chatting to someone it splashed it all over my computer and bricked it. FML

Today, I was promoted to a management position and finally get to have my own office, only to find out it's located in the basement and has no windows. FML

Today, I hooked up with a single mother. Amazing sex, but now I can’t sleep because her baby won’t stop fucking crying. FML

Today, a friend of mine sent me a Twitter link, along with the question, "Isn't that your mom?" It was. She was pretending to have shaky arms from the Covid vaccine. This sort of shit is why we hardly ever talk to each other. Oh and her acting was worse than any school play I've ever seen. FML

Today, driving out of my neighbourhood, I encountered three snow plows heading towards me. I tried to turn around in a stranger's driveway but wasn't fast enough, and they left a wall 4-feet high of ice and snow, blocking me in. I rang the doorbell, borrowed their shovel and dug out their driveway. Its -32 with wind-chill. FML

Today, and for the past 3 days, my sister has been whining and crying about her “breakup” with her “boyfriend”. It’s the most annoying thing ever and I haven’t been able to sleep. FML

Today, my stepdaughter, who despises me and lives in the same house, says she wouldn't go out for a birthday dinner with the family because I was going. She still expects me to drive her for a one-and-a-half hour round trip to drop her off at work. FML

Today, after receiving yet again a dozen insulting texts, I realized that my dog has way better grammar than my ex. FML

Today, my mean, nasty, arrogant, bully of a sister is getting married for the second time. Meanwhile, I’ve always been kind, caring, considerate… and single as a damn Pringle. FML

Today, it’s my birthday. My husband gave me quite the surprise. He shouldn’t have. He surprised me by letting me walking in on him doing my sister doggy-style on our bed. Happy Birthday! FML

Today, I dropped my phone in the toilet. Now I know why they call it 'smart' phone; it's smarter than me. FML

Today, I was trying to scratch off an Xbox gift card. When I started, I heard knocking. I opened the door. No one was there. I went back to scratching the card. Knocking again. No one there. This repeated until the fifth time, when I realized it was my rocking the desk with the repetitive movement of my arm. FML

Today, it’s been 4 months since I haven't been able to walk properly, two months I’ve been waiting for a doctor’s appointment, and one day since I found out that appointment never actually got made by the online booking system. But hey, who needs a left foot? FML

Today, my boyfriend and I saw someone dump a dog in our neighborhood before driving off. We spent an hour trying to get the dog out of the cold, but couldn't catch it. Temperatures go down to the 30s in 3 days. Hopefully we can catch it by then. FML

Today, after I'd saved up for a deposit on a new car, I found out when I went to the dealership that I wasn’t eligible for a loan, due to my credit score. FML

Today, I woke up at the ungodly hour of 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom. It was of course quite dark, and unbeknownst to me, the door was closed. I walked into it. Then I tried to open it, missed the door knob, and walked into the door again. FML

Today, I woke up early for a job interview. I got lost and arrived an hour late, only to find out it was the wrong day. FML

Today, after I hooked up with a guy the other night and we had lots of fun, (or so I thought), I woke up to a text saying, “I feel worthless and disgusting after having sex.” He said he was a virgin and he’s a Christian. FML

Today, I noticed that my coffee mug has a 'dishwasher safe' label. I've been hand washing it for a year. FML

Today, I accidentally sent a sext to my boss instead of my crush. Now I'm in the doghouse at work AND at home. FML

Today, I took a pretty nasty fall on the ice and made noises similar to the ones my dad makes when he's in pain. I am officially becoming old. FML

Today, my toddler gave me what I thought was a ball of melted chocolate. I held it and sniffed it to be sure… It was a freaking ball of her poop. FML

Today, I went to court because I got a traffic ticket for running a red light. While I was in court, I found out it was actually for a car I had sold years ago. FML

Today, I caught my cousin's husband ogling me at a party. I decided to talk to him, but each time he'd avoid me. Eventually I confronted him about staring at me; he then pointed at the front of my dress, my nipple had slightly snuck out of my low-cut dress. FML